Rules? What rules?

A friend has discovered that her on-again, off-again lover is married. After a small freak-out where she felt stupid and awful, and realized that she knew all along and just chose not to explore it, she got over it. I don’t think she’ll continue to see him, as she’s figuring out she does want a more committed relationship. But the response of her friends has been interesting: one woman forbid her to talk to him again.

Silly. Dating in your 40s is so different from dating as a teenager or in your 20s. I don’t know what it would have been like in my 30s–I was married by then–but I’m sure it too would have had it’s own special flavor. I’m just pleased to be where I am finally. It’s so much easier to be older (in some ways).

There are no rules to relationships post-divorce, post-adolescent, post-trauma. Every situation is distinct and everyone I know is making it up as we go. What else can you do?

40s+ friends dilemmas include: a divorced mother of 1 dating a widower with 2 kids; a widow dating her boss; and a single woman dating a man who is divorcing months after they got pregnant on one drunken night, she aborted the pregnancy, stopped talking to him, then he finally left his wife. And I just met two more women: a single woman living with a divorced man with 3 kids, dealing with his ex-wife who has substance-abuse problems; and a divorced mother of 3 who has been dating a widower with 3 daughters for 1 year, and his eldest daughter is getting married. Then there’s my friend who started this story, living abroad and having (ending?) an international affair with a married, globe-trotting banker. And me of course, divorced woman with a house, job, and cat, helping my boyfriend (is that what he is now?) through his own divorce.

I am so grateful for my friends. Their complicated emotional lives show the incredible capacity of our hearts. Who cares about rules when we are able to love so much?

belching in public

apparently is an endearing activity in a woman. what will he do when he finds out I can spit and repair plumbing?

post-divorce relationship–if that’s actually what it is, of course it is, has it been a couple of months now? he is different: older, with kids, separated, divorce-in-process. don’t let it mean too much? just enjoy it for what it is? but what is it, exactly?

it is what it is. connection. fun. interesting. good sex (yahoo!). a distraction? great food. an education. a challenge. nice. healing.

it’s good to heal and move along.

The Date

Not a date date, but a court date. Finally. This week. Convenient to end a year and end a marriage at the same time.

Grief, happiness, confusion, loss, relief all happening too. And hope, that darned hope that won’t go away despite all attempts to live in the present. Looking forward to the new country of post-divorce, hopeful that it will be a better place, where I fit. And of course a place where I can think beyond my own head. It will be nice to move beyond the narrow emotional space of surviving.

And a date date would be nice, could be interesting. Am I ready? Maybe I should get through the divorce first. That’s enough to keep me busy this week. I’ll think about dating next year