Reading Buddhists

I’ve been reading Pema Chodron, an abbot at a Buddhist monastery in Nova Scotia. Her book When Things Fall Apart has been very useful, not only for my healing process, but what I call my dealing process–just getting through the day to day. The book may not seem to be the most uplifting reading at first glance, but it is proving to be worth the challenge. For example, the next chapter up is called “Six Kinds of Loneliness.” Kinda gotta get geared up to tackle that one.

The other morning for breakfast was a chapter titled “Hopelessness and Death,” a cheerful way to start the day, no? It’s still causing my brain to twist, in a good way, about the idea of hope and recognizing that it comes out of lacking, missing, need. At its source hope is always wishing for something other than what we have. So the idea is to get to a state of complete hopelessness, to be with out hope, which would mean that you are with the moment, experiencing what is real rather than what is desired.

I have some issues with this. Hope is an important concept these days, not one to be tossed away lightly. It has also been very motivating for me throughout my life, and having it has allowed me to create and move forward. But, on solely an emotional level, I see that it would be healthier for me to focus on what I have, rather than what I don’t have. Doing that has cleared my head a bit (for today at least!).

For example I’ve been obsessing over men I’ve recently met. They are not my friends, not really, not yet. They’re just guys that have come into my life. I keep trying to use them to fill in something that’s missing, the role my husband used to play? But there really isn’t anything missing. I’m OK on my own, maybe a little sad and lonely, but pretty much OK. And if these acquaintances want to be my friends, then those friendships will develop, but they need to grow naturally, not forced out of my desperation.

The other helpful buddhist read lately is Thich Nhat Hanh, a monk. In a chapter called Aimlessness he says “don’t just do something, sit there.” I laughed out loud when I read this. I try so hard, too hard, so often. All out of desperation. Sometimes it IS better to relax with it, sit back, and let things happen. Most often it is NOTHING that happens, but that can be a good thing too. Much less stressful.

Of course this is all built on top of the foundation of compassion towards self, an attempt to forgive myself and not judge. It’s ok to feel desperate, lonely, and dysfunctional. There’s nothing wrong, that’s just how I am right now.

Anyway, a cliff’s notes version of what’s rolling around in my head. It’s been useful to clear out some of the frantic energy, the emotional debris. Although that may have been replaced with a more serious depression, so I don’t know which is better.