Marriage from the Outside

Although not completely outside of marriage, I am existing much closer to the border these days. Within a few months I should be a foreigner, single again, or is divorced a different state than single? Whatever my nationality, it is definitely outside of married, which gives a strange perspective to those marriages that are close to me.

For example, at a recent party for my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, I had the painfully difficult experience of being the only solo (unattached? single?) adult present. No husband, as that would have been weird we are in the midst of divorce, and not really a good party for a date, as I am still married. Plus I was reminded that my siblings will soon celebrate 25, 20, and 7 years of married life (OK, the 7 is a second time around). I am pleased for them all, parents, brothers and sister, happy for the longevity of their commitments. But I was shattered at the same time. My own marriage lasted 10 years, no small feat. But no one acknowledged the accomplishment of my marriage, the one that is broken. Marriages are only celebrated while they still function. Despite the continued friendship that exists between my husband and I, the longevity of our marriage is irrelevant, and it makes our ending disturbing for everyone close to us.

Then it was off to an interesting visit with an old friend in SF. It was great to see her. She hasn’t changed at all really, just aged a bit (haven’t we all). Her husband is kind of quiet, but I only saw him one night at dinner, so all I know of him is from her complaints. Next time I see her I’ll insist she say good things so there will be a chance I will like him. The thing that gets me is that she’s been a vegetarian for over 25 years, and he’s a guy who “doesn’t like vegetables.” Like, how does that work? He refuses to go to her favorite restaurant–holy shit, an awesome vegan place on Geary and Jones called Millenium, pricey but out of this world fantastic. And yet she will go to his favorite steakhouse on his birthday and actually claim to like it–apparently there are excellent side dishes at Ruth’s Chris. My response is “huh?” Is this what we do for love? Or companionship? Or to avoid what I’m experiencing these days? Guess I’m not in the best place to hear complaints of other people’s marriages. I’m leaving that country. Don’t know why anyone would stay if it’s so bad.

And then there are the good marriages. The ones that give me hope and break my heart at the same time. Cat-sitting for a co-worker and his wife, seeing their beautiful home, their shared spaces, the evidence of their happiness. How can I not feel an overwhelming sense of failure when I walk into their house? All the things my husband and I could not do, did not do. Of course what I don’t see is just as important as what’s visible. But I’m not planning to search their closets. I prefer to keep my illusion of their happiness intact, because despite the difficulties it uncovers in me, it also makes clear that other options exist. There are possibilities beyond my experience. Thank god.

I look forward to crossing the border, to becoming an alien, a foreigner again to married life. I don’t know what I’ll call myself–single, divorced, solo. But whatever it turns out to be, I’m looking forward to the journey. I’ll be truly happy to get on with it.